Letter from Maria December 2009

Some of you know Maria, Dave's sister in law, and have been praying for her and the family for some time now.  Here is a thank you letter that she has sent to everyone who has prayed for them.

Dear all,

It´s been almost a year, that feels more like a lifetime, and I can finally look back and say ‘It is finished!’ For months I just had to take one little step at a time and sometimes thinking of one day ahead was simply too much, so little steps mean little. Coping with my own body absorbed all my energy, so husband and children were out of my capacity to think for or even of. Sometimes, thankfully not always, I felt as if not only my body but also my brain were dead. That was a very unsettling experience as I was used to living with a bubbling head! It felt like a big pause within the flow of my life, for cancer took me away from my family, home, pets, job… and left me with a ‘me’ which was very… bare. Cancer also took me on several trips to hospital, to share rooms with other battling women, to a new community of lovely, caring nurses and efficient doctors. They were my family and home for some time. I had been introduced to a new world, and this is what I saw.

In the kingdom of cancer people walk about naked, nothing stays hidden, mouths may try to restrain the fears of the heart but eyes cannot do so. As one walks along the paths of the treatment, desperately trying to find the way out of cancer´s domain, some companions drop dead, others choose to stop walking, there are even those who want to keep trying but the are no paths left for them to walk on. It is difficult to say which sight is more devastating…

   Life within this world is confusing as if covered by a dense fog. Some fighters loose track of the enemy and start firing in the wrong direction, they become bitter and their faces turn darker as their eyes squint with distrust. Others sink into the bottomless hole of desperation and sadness and although they seem to keep on fighting they are walking in circles for their eyes are heavy and empty. There are also those who seem to have strength left, they keep chanting to themselves and those around them ‘One needs to be possitive!’ They seem to have some light they carry about as a lantern, and gets reflected on their eyes. Will that light last till the end?

    The king of cancerworld demands worship from anyone in his domain. ‘You shall fear me!’ is his decree. It is difficult not to succumb. He also imposes taxes on your body, so not only hair or strength, but stomachs, skin, nails, all form part of his morbid treasure.

    I have walked across the streets of cancer but I didn´t feel a citizen of that kingdom. I knew I belonged to the kingdom of Light, a daughter to the King of Life. Your prayers and our loving Father have allowed me to go through this experience as if within a bubble. Jesus has been my sheltering sphere, I just had to walk inside of Him, like a hamster in a ball. I felt so small and powerless... It took me a while to get small as a mouse. During the first weeks I could not discern God´s will and my spirit was divided between fighting cancer back with faith in God´s supernatural power, or simply submitting to undergo the test in a calm, peaceful way. When I accepted the latter I became the hamster. The journey was easier once I opted for one of the choices, however something inside me feels rather disappointed. Maybe I shouldn´t, probably shouldn´t even express it, but it is there. I wish the world could see God´s Mighty Power and not just hear about it from stories out of the Bible. Maybe there is still fog in front of my eyes and I cannot see how those around me especially my parents and brother and sister have been impacted by God´s peace upon me.

    I know some of you have gone through an experience similar to mine and can maybe empathise with me. I´ve been left with a mixture of feelings and thoughts that need reorganising. It feels like a sort of rebirth. I´m in the process of trying to understand the essence of what has happened and my head is full of all sorts of questions. I love it! My set of concepts and deep beliefs is being reconstructed as I either find satisfactory answers to some questions or simply learn to live in peace with the unanswered ones. Our family is also being reconstructed, although thanks to God, the children seem almost untouched and Steve moves with a more relaxed expression.

    This journey would have been infinitively harder if you hadn´t been there. It wasn´t only your prayers but the thought of knowing so many people cared! It has been incredible! You have showed us your support from all over the world! That made me feel thoroughly loved and on this side of the story that really matters. ‘Thank you’ falls short to express my gratitude, but I have no other word.

    Your sister, Maria

    Looking forward to meeting you all in eternity.